Some
of my followers may have noticed I haven't posted in a while but in all
honesty I've been so busy it's been hard finding something worth your
time to read for me to write about. I watched a few documentaries
recently to do with the mental health week so thought I would share my
own experience with Anxiety Disorder (AD), this post wont appeal to
everyone so I'm sorry if you are someone it does not but I feel it may
help some in some way or another.
My life with AD started when I was merely 17 at which I had already moved out of my parents and half way up the country and been through a number of things that if I wrote it all down it would 1. Take me all day and 2. Probably not even seem believable. I had just met my partner and now my sons dad and he was helping me sort some big problems along with trying to keep my college attendance high. I always remember I was doing the washing up and I turned to face him and told him I was going to pass out which on cue I did. When I came to I felt sick and being that we were currently living in his mothers house I didn't want to throw up on the kitchen floor so tried to run upstairs to which I collapsed half way up and banged my head badly on a step. This was the starting point of many years of hell for me.
After this happened I found myself scared of passing out in public, I would go dizzy in shops to the point I clung onto shelves and counters and would have to get out of the shop there and then. I also avoided meeting up with friends or talking in the high street etc. For the first year or two I was convinced I had a brain tumour and that I was dieing or something was seriously wrong with me, I had never heard of Anxiety. Until a DR finally diagnosed me, it helped to know I wasn't dieing.
My description of how I feel when I'm anxious and having panic attacks would have to be its like gasping for air but you can't quite take a deep enough breath for it to catch, you can breath but just not quite deep enough. Your vision almost leaves your body and wobbles putting you off balance making you feel like you could collapse, hot sweats and mumbling and just wanting to get out of the situation. Then crying from exhaustion because you are so upset and angry with yourself yet can't seem to 'get over it' like people think you can.
I was prescribed anti-depressants to try and curb my anxiety and also put forward for CBT, I then shortly after found out I was expecting O. When I was around 20weeks pregnant my CBT sessions started and I had to walk 2miles in the heat with a bump and dizziness anyway from hormones and needing to pee every 5minutes. I eventually got told they couldn't help me as I couldn't tell if it was anxiety or hormones making me dizzy and that they would see how I was after pregnancy. That was me sent away and I was so darn heartbroken as I wanted so badly to be well for this baby that needed me when s/he arrived. I remember going shopping and being sat on a bench in the shopping centre and crying and panicking, froze on the bench but desperately wanting to get up, it literally felt like I was dieing. Then the looks came, in the past I've been accused of being high or drunk by strangers when I was having a panic attack so the thought of others thinking this when seeing me pregnant upset me greatly. It eventually passed and I coped.
O came along and while I had my days it turned out that he was the only thing that had helped me over come in way possible my anxiety, I started talking to and meeting people and making friends. After 5 years of not being able to go into a shop by myself I have come so far, I still have spells of anxiety dizziness but my main problem is thinking people don't like me/talk about me behind my back when in fact I get on with them well. I am hoping this will eventually leave with the more confident I grow as I would hate for my son to pick up on any of my anxiety.
Everyones story with anxiety is different but we all end up with the same problem; not being in control of our own mind and body. But please always remember you are not alone, I never realised quite how common it is until I knew more about the facts etc and a lot of people suffer in silence. The other thing I have learnt is not to judge those I see acting 'strange' when I am out and about as at some point it was me that people was being judged when in fact it was a mental health condition not a substance abuse incident. We will all gain control again one day but right now its working on it one step at a time. Have faith and be strong, I never thought I would have got this far and EVERYONE told me having a baby would make it worse. Well, look at me now I am so much stronger than I was 2years ago when I thought I was dieing on that bench.
Much love,
Amber x
My life with AD started when I was merely 17 at which I had already moved out of my parents and half way up the country and been through a number of things that if I wrote it all down it would 1. Take me all day and 2. Probably not even seem believable. I had just met my partner and now my sons dad and he was helping me sort some big problems along with trying to keep my college attendance high. I always remember I was doing the washing up and I turned to face him and told him I was going to pass out which on cue I did. When I came to I felt sick and being that we were currently living in his mothers house I didn't want to throw up on the kitchen floor so tried to run upstairs to which I collapsed half way up and banged my head badly on a step. This was the starting point of many years of hell for me.
After this happened I found myself scared of passing out in public, I would go dizzy in shops to the point I clung onto shelves and counters and would have to get out of the shop there and then. I also avoided meeting up with friends or talking in the high street etc. For the first year or two I was convinced I had a brain tumour and that I was dieing or something was seriously wrong with me, I had never heard of Anxiety. Until a DR finally diagnosed me, it helped to know I wasn't dieing.
My description of how I feel when I'm anxious and having panic attacks would have to be its like gasping for air but you can't quite take a deep enough breath for it to catch, you can breath but just not quite deep enough. Your vision almost leaves your body and wobbles putting you off balance making you feel like you could collapse, hot sweats and mumbling and just wanting to get out of the situation. Then crying from exhaustion because you are so upset and angry with yourself yet can't seem to 'get over it' like people think you can.
I was prescribed anti-depressants to try and curb my anxiety and also put forward for CBT, I then shortly after found out I was expecting O. When I was around 20weeks pregnant my CBT sessions started and I had to walk 2miles in the heat with a bump and dizziness anyway from hormones and needing to pee every 5minutes. I eventually got told they couldn't help me as I couldn't tell if it was anxiety or hormones making me dizzy and that they would see how I was after pregnancy. That was me sent away and I was so darn heartbroken as I wanted so badly to be well for this baby that needed me when s/he arrived. I remember going shopping and being sat on a bench in the shopping centre and crying and panicking, froze on the bench but desperately wanting to get up, it literally felt like I was dieing. Then the looks came, in the past I've been accused of being high or drunk by strangers when I was having a panic attack so the thought of others thinking this when seeing me pregnant upset me greatly. It eventually passed and I coped.
O came along and while I had my days it turned out that he was the only thing that had helped me over come in way possible my anxiety, I started talking to and meeting people and making friends. After 5 years of not being able to go into a shop by myself I have come so far, I still have spells of anxiety dizziness but my main problem is thinking people don't like me/talk about me behind my back when in fact I get on with them well. I am hoping this will eventually leave with the more confident I grow as I would hate for my son to pick up on any of my anxiety.
Everyones story with anxiety is different but we all end up with the same problem; not being in control of our own mind and body. But please always remember you are not alone, I never realised quite how common it is until I knew more about the facts etc and a lot of people suffer in silence. The other thing I have learnt is not to judge those I see acting 'strange' when I am out and about as at some point it was me that people was being judged when in fact it was a mental health condition not a substance abuse incident. We will all gain control again one day but right now its working on it one step at a time. Have faith and be strong, I never thought I would have got this far and EVERYONE told me having a baby would make it worse. Well, look at me now I am so much stronger than I was 2years ago when I thought I was dieing on that bench.
Much love,
Amber x
Anyone who would like an ear to talk please feel free to email me, you are not alone.
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